Losing someone important to you and that was a big part of your life, can leave a huge gap in your world. Along with this gaping hole, grief can often come with a sense of disconnection from yourself and the world around you. In the midst of all the pain the loss brings, it's natural to feel like no one truly understands what you’re going through. The world around you keeps moving forward, unchanged, while your life feels like it’s come to a halt. You might find yourself thinking, How is everyone carrying on when my world just fell apart? This disconnection can bring a whirlwind of emotions—hopelessness, loneliness, anger, and confusion.
Is Time Still Moving?
Many individuals in the throes of grief will describe an experience of feeling disconnected not just from their surroundings but from time itself. Feeling like time has frozen or slowed down, like they are moving around through a thick fog where regular movements become difficult and labored. This is a result of the emotional impact of grief whose weight can make everything slow down. This disconnect from time is part of how the mind processes the deep shock and sadness of loss. This experience can be both frustrating and isolating as it feels like life has continued moving and you are left behind. Naturally this will cause a sense of disconnection from others, even the people that were previously your supports or social circle.
Finding Support Again
It’s understandable if you feel uninterested in reaching out to friends or relatives who aren’t experiencing the loss, as there might be a sense that they don’t understand your experience. While you may feel disconnected at this time from your familiar inner circle, reaching out to others who have been through a similar loss can be an invaluable way to foster connection at this time. Being with people who can understand what you are going through in a very real way, can help you feel seen, heard, and validated. It can be a reminder to you of your connection to a humanity where grief and loss is part and parcel to our human experience. Spending time with or communicating with others who have walked or are now walking this painful path, can be like a light within the fog, a light that may not lift the fog but can help you see a bit more clearly through it. Despite the severe loneliness, you are not alone. Many people find comfort in joining grief support groups, where they can share their experiences with others who’ve faced similar losses. These groups—whether local or online—can provide a sense of community and understanding that’s incredibly healing.
All the Words Gone Wrong
Another aspect that often contributes to disconnection during a time of grief are all the good intentions to comfort you, gone wrong. Your friends and family want to be there for you, but unfortunately don’t always know how to be there and what to say. Some might shy away from talking about your loss, afraid they’ll say the wrong thing. Others might not even reach out, leaving you feeling even more alone.
The truth is people don’t know how to respond to loss. Really intense pain is really hard to sit with. If you’ve ever lost someone or are grieving another loss in your life, you will know this reality. Pain is uncomfortable and so your friends and family that love you dearly and care for you and want to be a support, may suddenly distance themselves or avoid the topic altogether. On the other hand you might find that all want to talk about is your loss even at times when you have no interest to. Knowing the right thing to say and do is difficult. It’s difficult for the one grieving to know what they need and even more difficult for those around you to get it right.
Helping Them Help You
People mean well, but they don’t always know how to help. So as much as possible, help them help you. Let them know what you like and don’t like, what you need and don’t need, as clearly and specifically as you can. What you want may change from minute to minute for you and that’s ok. That’s exactly why they need your help. So for example if one day you want to talk to your friend about your loss and you don’t want advice or for her to try and make you ‘’feel better’’, than tell her that. Say ‘’hey I want to talk about my mom (or person you have lost), I miss her. You don’t have to try and make me feel better or say anything I just want you to listen and sit with me while I cry, a hug may help too’’ That guidance will help you get your needs met and will allow your friend to provide the support they are wanting so badly to provide.
By gently guiding others on how they can help, you make it easier for them to offer you support and to foster connection in your life.
If you need someone to listen, ask. If you need practical help, like someone to run errands or help with meals, let them know. Be specific in your requests, and don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you need.
Here are some general tips for making your needs clear:
Be specific: Instead of saying, “I need help,” try something like, “I’m struggling with getting groceries—would you mind picking up a few things for me?”
Use “I” statements: For example, “I really need to talk about [name] today, it helps me feel connected, I just need you to listen”
Don’t be afraid to ask: People want to help, but they may not know how unless you tell them.
Take It One Step at a Time
Connecting with others again after a loss takes time, and that’s okay. Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and neither does healing. Some days, you might feel ready to reach out and talk. Other days, you might want to retreat into your own space. Take it one step at a time in a way that you are comfortable with. You are allowed to and should move at your own pace. Be kind to yourself along the way. Remember, re-connection is a process. By reaching out to others, sharing how they can be a support for you and taking small steps, one day at a time, can help you can find your way back to a sense of connection.
There is no “right” way to grieve, but there is a way forward—slowly, gently, and with the support of those who care about you. You’re not alone. And, in time, you will find your way back to a sense of community, comfort, and healing.
Our grief therapy program is another way to re-connect and access support at this challenging time? Contact us for more information or to schedule a call.