Is it Still Called Grieving When You’re Mourning Someone You Didn’t Like?

Grief is supposed to be about mourning the loss of someone we love, right?

But what happens when the person we’ve lost is someone we resented or disliked?

The challenges within this type of grief are not talked about enough, but they deserve attention. The expectations, both internal and external, of how you’re meant to feel, shouldn’t feel, and want to feel can make this type of loss really overwhelming. How others expect you to feel and how you actually feel are also rarely in line. This can leave one feeling confusion, guilt, and sadness, just to name a few feelings, within the tornado of emotions. 

Let’s talk about what it means to grieve someone you didn’t like and how you can navigate the messiness of those emotions.

Maybe I just shouldn’t think about this at all?

It might feel strange to grieve someone who caused you pain, frustration, or harm and a part of you may even be glad they are no longer in your life, and that would be normal. The first thing to remember is that the intensity of emotions you are experiencing or have experienced at the time of this loss, are a result of the complexity that existed within the original relationship. If we struggled in the relationship while the person was alive, that won't disappear when the person passes away. Grief at the time of a person's passing isn’t only about the loss you experience from their death. The grief actually encompasses all the aspects of their absence, both while in their life and within their passing. This obviously holds a lot of meaning and can be challenging to process without the right understanding and the right supports.

The Many Faces of Grief

Within this layered grief, you may be grieving the relationship you never had. Challenging relationships often have frustrations, disappointments, and unmet needs categorizing many of your interactions. Perhaps you had wanted this person to show up differently in your life—a more present parent, a more caring sibling, a more supportive partner. Their death now marks the end of any hope that the relationship will ever be better and that things will improve.

You may also be grieving the past they represent. If this person was tied to painful memories, their death might bring those experiences back to the surface. While we can typically do a good job compartmentalizing unwanted memories, the loss of this person in our life can trigger the release of those memories, which can be very challenging to process.

Another layer of grief may come from the impact they had on your life. Our relationships shape who we are, despite how we feel about the person. Their passing can cause us to naturally reflect on their behaviors, demeanor, and personality. It can be unsettling to notice these pieces, as we contemplate their life and how it impacted ours.

Finally, you may be grieving what you wish you would be feeling. You may have hoped that by the time this day came—the day of their passing—that your relationship may have been in a different place, or at least that your feelings about the relationship would be different. The complexity of emotions you are now feeling can be confusing. You might feel relief, sadness, anger, guilt, or even a strange sense of emptiness, to name a few. Just remember, there is no “right” way to feel here. All these emotions are a part of the grief process and are normal.

Navigating the Emotions of Complicated Grief

Whether you’ve lost this person recently or if it's been years, confusing and difficult feelings about their passing can come up at different times. Here are some things to remember to help you navigate the waves of conflicting emotions. 

1. Acknowledge All the Feelings

Your emotional wellspring about your grief should have a sign attached to it that reads - All Feelings Welcome! If you feel anger welcome it. If you're looking for sadness and it doesn't come, allow that to be, and if you feel relief, don’t push it away. Grief isn’t just about loss, it’s about change and letting go of what was or what could have been.

Try taking some time in your day to just write down everything you are feeling. The good, the bad and the ugly. Let the feelings be, they don’t need to make sense.

2. Let Go of the “Shoulds”

You might find yourself thinking, I should feel sadder or I shouldn’t feel this much anger. But there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. What you feel is valid, even if it doesn’t match what you think grief is “supposed” to look like. Whatever emotions come about this loss, just notice them without judgement or critique.

3. Resolving the Unfinished Business.

If you had unresolved issues with this person, their death might feel like a door slamming shut on any chance for closure. But closure isn’t something another person gives us—it’s something we create for ourselves.

You might find it helpful to write a letter to the person who died, expressing to them what you wish you could still say. You don’t need to do anything with it or show it to anyone, just getting the words on paper and out of your system, can help you process what needed to be released.

4. The Relief Is Real

If this person made your life harder in any way, whether through abuse, manipulation, neglect, or by creating chaos in your life in any other way, it’s okay to feel relieved that they are no longer in your life. Feeling relief doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it doesn’t mean you are heartless. It just means you are human.

Making Peace with a Complex Loss

Grieving someone you didn’t like can feel isolating because it’s not something people talk about openly. Reach out to a therapist, an online forum, a support group, or a trusted friend, to share your feelings and get them off your chest. You deserve support just as much as anyone experiencing loss.

So remember, there is no RIGHT way to feel. If you're relieved, be relieved. If you're sad, let yourself feel sadness, and if you're a bit of both, well then that's just right for you. The most important way to process your grief and to quiet the intensity of your emotions is to allow yourself to feel honestly, allowing whatever comes to be there, until it moves on to make space for another emotion. 

Want support in processing these emotions? Take a look at our grief support services or contact us for more information.