Holiday seasons get me thinking about relationships. Their beauty, their complexity and what we can do to keep them healthy.
Relationships Are Nuanced and Complex
You know how, on some days, our relationships seem to flow effortlessly? Sometimes, we can go for weeks without any bumps, but then, all of a sudden, the things that were working well, just stop working. Some days, we feel in sync with the important people in our lives, while on other days, that connection feels distant and strained, with only the slightest shifts taking place.
There are interactions that sometimes, in context, make sense and can be easily forgiven because, overall, things seem okay. However, on other days, certain behaviors feel unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances. Some actions might seem understandable one day, but the next day, the line that has been crossed feels crystal clear. There is a lot of gray when it comes to our relationships, and navigating the nuances and complexities can be really challenging at times.
Even Kindness can be Complicated
A client of mine is coming to mind (not to worry the pertinent personal details have all been changed) he seems to constantly be navigating his right to say no to others. His want to be there and provide support, care and assistance to the people in his life, but finds that he is often over whelmed and doesn’t have time for himself. When he tries to say no to others, he feels guilty and feels that since he enjoys doing for others it’s ok to spend all his free time that way.
But is it ?
As I said the nuances.
So how do we figure this out? What is over stepping and what isn’t? What behaviors from ourselves and from others can be understood and tolerated and what behaviors require a red line?
No One Who Needs a Boundary Likes a Boundary
When I work with my clients around boundaries they hear me say this phrase a lot. No one who needs a boundary, likes a boundary. It’s so important to understand. We can’t try to navigate the boundaries in our relationships from the assumption that they will be easy and we definitely can’t navigate the grey areas in our relationships with out a clear black sharpie, drawing lines around what we are and are not okay with. Where those lines are drawn, look different for everyone.
So yes, relationships are complicated, boundaries are difficult, but let me give you a bit of a framework to get you started. Establishing those lines, setting those limits, no one likes that, not doing it and not receiving the boundary, but it is what allows us to protect our peace, our joy and ultimately the health in our relationships.
How to Set Boundaries
The first step of boundary setting is to identify what are the things that are most important to you. The things about you and your life that you need to protect and what we need to put the sharpie line around.
Once were clear on that, the next step is to think about what do we need to keep out. What are the things that don’t feel okay and that are not allowing the things I need to exist that I need to keep far away from me and outside of my thick bordered circle.
These two steps give us the clarity I need to set the internal boundaries. Internal boundaries set my personal limits internally, so I know where I stand and what changes I need to see.
Then comes the hard part, or rather I should say the harder part, communicating those boundaries to others.
So Now Let’s Role Play…..
So here we go. I want you to practice with me.
“I need… ..(Fill in the blank)”
‘‘I prefer that…. (Fill in your preference)’’
‘‘It’s not ok for me that ….. (fill in what you would like to not see again)’’
That is all. No yelling, no anger, no dramatic speeches. Just clear and concise communication of the change you want to see or will be implementing.
Navigating Resistance
I know what you’re thinking. Yeah right! They aren’t gonna listen.
Maybe they won’t listen, maybe they will. Remember they don’t like these boundaries, so their resistance is to be expected. But the thing is that this boundary you’re setting is just as much for yourself, as it is for them. A boundary is your way of being clear to yourself what you need and what you deserve. Now if they aren’t supporting that then that’s their issue, but that boundary still needs to be stated.
I think I need to change my boundary catch phrase from ‘‘no one who needs a boundary likes a boundary’’ to “no one likes boundaries”. Period. No matter which way you look at it, it’s no fun putting your hard hat on and taking the plunge. But I’m here to tell you, you deserve it.
We deserve to have ourselves protected from the aspects of our relationships and our surroundings that aren’t serving us, that are hurting us and that aren’t letting us be our best selves.
Whether in our intimate relationships, friendships or family settings, to retain the health of these relationships, there has to be limits set to what we are and are not okay with. This is true whether in the physical aspects of our life and/or in the emotional realms. So pushing through the boundary setting discomfort, actually opens up space for you to exist within in your relationships and ensures your well being and the well being of others is protected in the process.
Want support to navigate setting these boundaries within your relationships.
Relationship counselling can guide the way.
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