Do You Struggle with Social Anxiety?
Do you feel like you may have social anxiety or know someone else that may benefit from hearing more about social anxiety or about anxiety in general?
Please read on or pass it on.
Do you go out sometimes and worry the whole time about being critiqued or judged, every movement you make and word you say analyzed? It feels like you’re under a magnifying glass!
You may also be overthinking small interactions. What if I don’t know the answer to their question? What if my mind goes blank and I don’t have anything to say? What if they are just annoyed by my questions? So many worries to contend with when social anxiety is around.
Understanding the Anxiety Cycle
The obvious solution and one many individuals with social anxiety take is avoidance. An easy solution to avoid dealing with the wonders and worries. If I don’t do a lot of interacting, I don’t need to deal with the potential stares, thoughts, and comments of others. Right?
Wrong.
The challenge here is that in the avoidance, you are actually reinforcing the worries.
Read that sentence again for me. In avoiding the encounters, you are actually just reinforcing the anxiety you have. There is a core belief with social anxieties, just like with all anxieties, that there is a “danger” or “risk” in engaging in whatever activity is eliciting worry. In this case, it may feel like there is a ‘danger’ in interacting with others. The worries and what-ifs tell us there is a risk here, something to be avoided, and something I need to protect myself from.
But is there?
Is there a risk in interacting with the person sitting next to you on the train or calling a company to inquire about a product over the phone? Is there danger involved in speaking to the waiter at a restaurant or a guy at a party? Is my life at risk if I go to a work event and have to small talk with others?
I’m not asking these questions to minimize the experience, I know it’s anxiety-provoking! It feels like there is a real risk. My heart is pounding, I’m sweating bullets, my head and stomach hurt. It sure feels like I’m in danger.
But am I?
The Power of Asking ‘What’s the Real Fear?’
And that’s the clincher here. We need to actually ask ourselves that question and not just take the fear at face value. I’m feeling fear right now, but what am I actually afraid of? What is the danger I’m in right now? What is the anxiety here for? What is it trying to make me aware of?
So let’s roll it back for a second because we want to take this one step at a time.
Step 1 - Notice Your Anxiety
Often, we don’t even realize we are feeling an emotion until we become aware of the physical symptoms that come along with it. Working on that self-awareness is step number one. Can you identify what physical sensation you feel when you are anxious? Next time you are anxious, ask yourself what physical sensation you are feeling. Or maybe you even know right now already. Do your palms get sweaty, does your stomach start hurting, your head start pounding? Try to recognize what you are feeling when anxiety comes around and identify and name it for yourself, so it can be understood and worked through.
Step 2 – Gaining Some Awareness
The good news is that it’s usually pretty easy to identify these physical sensations and we’re going to use that information to help us notice when anxiety, when the fear or worry is activated. Once you notice a stomach ache, the next step is to ask yourself, “What am I actually feeling anxious about right now?” We’re moving from noticing the physical sensation to having more awareness of your emotions and your trigger points. What am I worried about? What is the ‘risk’ or ‘danger’ I am wanting to avoid?
Step 3 – Take It One Step Further
So perhaps you realize your stomach is hurting (Step 1) and that signals to you that anxiety is at play, and with that awareness, you reflect and realize that your fear is about wanting to make a good impression at your new job (Step 2). Step 3 is about backtracking one step further and asking yourself one simple question again and again: “Why?” Why is that so worrisome? Why is this a fear for me? Why does that matter? Try asking that why three times.
Let’s try it together now. So imagine you’re invited to a family get-together—a situation that is likely to get social anxiety really going strong. You feel your heart pounding and a headache coming as you even think about the get-together.
Step 1 – You notice these symptoms and remind yourself this is anxiety talking.
Step 2 – You reflect that your anxiety is about not wanting to have to interact with your cousin and your aunt who may be there.
Step 3 – Why? Why your cousin and aunt? Because they always ask me about my relationships.
Why does that bother me? Because my relationship status is something that brings me shame.
Why? Because I’m worried I’m never going to find my partner and I’ll always be alone.
Ohhhh….. so that’s the real culprit. That’s the real fear point.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Now there is obviously a lot more to say about challenging your social anxiety, but try these steps to get yourself started, and to learn more about what’s actually going on for you.
If you are looking for more support to help you through your anxiety, check out our anxiety support page. Please reach out if you are struggling with anxiety. We’re here to help.
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